Why Do Cats Stare?

FUCK THIS !!

Power

At church today, I noticed this woman: and I thought to myself, she would make one hell of a sexy man; I would fuck her -- if she didn't have one of "those". But she exuded this "raw feminine sexual power" that some women do, and I thought, "I might fuck her, after all, but we'd both be disappointed".

And I thought, "I WANT that 'raw feminine sexual power', not to possess, but to be a part of who I am". And that's ok -- to want that; to be both man and woman.

There's one type of energy one must express to be the beloved, and there's another type of energy one must express to be the lover. It seems apparent to me that it's the woman who is the lover.

A woman is given "raw feminine sexual power" to be used unbridledly. He/She needs to draw on it's full power. "Raw feminine sexual power" can be intimidating -- Intimidate your man!; Send him running for the door in sheer panic! He'll be running back just as quickly. If you're afraid of losing him, give him something he can't get anywhere else -- give him you, give him all of you.

I have always thought of HP as a man, because I grew up being taught that to want to be with a man was to be a woman, and I ain't no fucking woman. But, I need to learn how to worship Earth Mother in order to nourish the tigress inside of me. I'm horny, and I need to be loved -- I need to let the tigress within me out, and to let it have something to play with.

Let me love you like a lesbian would!

Spite

There's so much nice that can be said about the Fellowship, the Program, about Sobriety and Recovery.

But, it's perfectly possible, and valid -- to stay sober out of "spite". That works. Don't be ashamed of it! Glory in it! Glory in the Pain of it! It will harden your sobriety with battle scars. Pester everyone you meet to the point of their contemplating homicide with how "miserable" you are, and the wisdom you've gleaned from that misery.

I've heard people say that they didn't pick up a drink, so as "not to give those vicious queens at the back of the room something to talk about". And they stayed sober.

So don't turn away any tool that God has set before you. Just because it's not nice. Alcoholism is not nice, and Recovery isn't either.

"I don't understand the reference -- 'friend of bill's' "

[16:52:53] <@rkl> i haven't had a true sobreity birthday yet
[16:52:59] <@myopia> oh, really?
[16:53:05] <@myopia> you're a friend of bill's
[16:53:07] <@myopia> ?
[16:53:31] <@rkl> i'm a friend of matt's
[16:53:34] <@myopia> heh
[16:53:43] <@myopia> that's not what i'm asking
[16:53:48] <@myopia> maybe i'm too old, i'm using terminology that the "youngsters" don't understand
[16:53:49] <@rkl> oh
[16:54:02] <@rkl> i'm not a friend of dorothy's
[16:54:05] <@myopia> you "haven't had a true sobriety birthday yet"?
[16:54:12] <@myopia> i didn't ask that either
[16:54:19] <@myopia> i don't know that i want to fuck you
[16:54:28] <@rkl> ...
[16:54:31] <@myopia> you're not local anyway
[16:54:39] <@rkl> i don't understand the reference "friend of bill's"
[16:54:49] <@myopia> friend of bill w's ... alcoholic
[16:54:57] <@rkl> oh
[16:55:18] <@rkl> i don't drink everyday , but i think about drinking everyday
[16:55:23] <@rkl> it's complicated
[16:55:25] <@myopia> heh
[16:55:35] <@myopia> well, that's certainly indicative of something
[16:55:39] <@myopia> THAT can't be denied
[17:03:53] <@myopia> "you are where you're supposed to be"
[17:04:01] <@myopia> people will tell you differently ...
[17:04:07] <@myopia> maybe they're right
[17:04:26] <@myopia> but maybe one shouldn't try to stop drinking until one has absolutely no other choice
[17:05:25] <@myopia> that insures you have the incentive you'll need to do it, and gives you the humility to appreciate how little sobriety offers you
[17:06:00] <@myopia> certainly it's true that if one is an alcoholic, and one continues to drink, one dies
[17:06:35] <@myopia> they say "you have three options -- prison, the nuthouse, or the grave"
[17:06:58] <@myopia> but, it's the same thing
[17:07:20] <@myopia> maybe in prison and the nuthouse, one prays for the grave?
[17:07:26] <@myopia> i don't know
[17:07:47] <@myopia> i spent a night in a drunk tank for starting an argument with a cop, and i didn't like that
[17:08:02] <@myopia> i spent a summer in a nuthouse, and i did like that
[17:08:30] <@myopia> but, not drinking is not the only thing one may do,
[17:08:35] <@myopia> life, also happens to us
[17:09:11] <@myopia> they tell you how hard it is to get sober
[17:09:49] <@myopia> unfortunately no one ever tells you how hard it is to accept AA; how much you're being asked to swallow
[17:10:20] <@myopia> how entirely right it is for you to rebel against it
[17:10:22] <@myopia> natural
[17:10:26] <@myopia> expected
[17:10:30] <@myopia> normal
[17:10:35] <@myopia> necessary to your recovery
[17:11:09] <@myopia> no one tells you what you should be listening for, and what you should be discounting as garbage
[17:11:47] <@myopia> it may be that you never accept AA the same way you see other people do
[17:11:57] <@myopia> and that, too, is part of recovery in AA
[17:12:27] <@myopia> but then it's all the more important to know what to listen to, because what you need to hear is all the more rare
[17:12:37] <@rkl> heh
[17:12:48] <@rkl> i got sent to AA when i got my dui.
[17:12:54] <@myopia> yeah, they do that
[17:12:59] <@rkl> ironically, i wasn't drunk when i got my dui, and didn't have a particular drinking habit.
[17:13:07] <@myopia> you have to get your raffle tickets signed
[17:13:12] <@rkl> yep
[17:13:24] <@rkl> i refused to participate though, as i don't have a belief in a higher power
[17:13:27] <@myopia> takes me back ...
[17:13:37] <@myopia> i don't believe in atheism
[17:13:50] <@myopia> did anyone tell you that AA doesn't require a belief in god
[17:13:59] <@myopia> that AA makes a specific point of that?
[17:14:06] <@rkl> in the bible belt, AA & church are tied in to each other.
[17:14:18] <@myopia> more and more that's true everywhere
[17:14:28] <@myopia> i'm a christian
[17:14:35] <@myopia> christians are asses
[17:14:50] <@myopia> and trying to fuck you over is not christian
[17:16:45] <@myopia> re-read the second step
[17:17:08] <@myopia> it is the most lame piece of literature that has ever been published
[17:17:24] <@myopia> you have to realize that the guys who wrote the 12 & 12 were wet brains
[17:18:04] <@myopia> but, this is particularly where they're trying to show you that you don't need to believe in god
[17:18:31] <@myopia> back in my day, a "beginner's meeting" was a step meeting that only discussed the first 3 steps
[17:18:54] <@myopia> but usually, they manage to do that without ever mentioning that you don't have to believe in God
[17:19:33] <@myopia> one would think that the first place in AA where the word "God" is ever used, it would be important to point out what "the first 100 drunks" meant by that
[17:22:33] <@myopia> actually, in new england ... in my day
[17:22:52] <@myopia> at most, but not all meetings, the only "participation" one COULD do is listen
[17:22:59] <@myopia> and, that way might be for the best
[17:25:19] <@myopia> there were discussion meetings and "stand-up" meetings
[17:25:32] <@myopia> and "stand-up" meetings were the more prevalent
at "stand-up" meetings, there was no discussion
[17:26:30] <@myopia> it is the practice in new england for another AA group to come to your meeting, and members of the group stand at a podium before the meeting and "tell their stories"
At, the end of the meeting, you shook their hands, you thanked them, and you all went to your separate homes
Perhaps, you MAY hang outside on the steps into the meeting hall, drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes, shooting the shit with your friends or (gasp) people who had become your friends that evening But no one asked you to do that
[17:26:45] <@myopia> i know they don't do this in all parts of the country
[17:27:18] <@myopia> but it was FUN going to meetings all over the state, "telling our stories", and freaking out the locals
[17:28:23] <@myopia> i believe that it will forever remain my favourite the time a guy in my group talked about masturbating in his mother's mink coat from the podium
[17:29:07] <@myopia> on the other hand, i've been to discussion meetings that accused me of violently attacking the women in the room for using the word "fuck"
[17:29:29] <@myopia> by people who had been sober for a hell of a lot shorter time than i had been
[17:29:40] <@myopia> fuck them, that's not what AA's about
[17:31:51] <@myopia> they usually ask you to be sober for at least 3 months before you speak
There are those who suggest: that in your first three months of sobriety that you go to lots of "beginner's meeting"; that if you go to step meetings, you neither speak on, nor ask questions about: anything but the first 3 steps Certainly in your first three months, to get the first step under your belt is a stellar accomplishment
That, unless you're in "imminent danger of picking up a drink", you NOT talk in open discussion meeting
Certainly, in early sobriety, for everyone's every waking moment, they're are in "imminent danger of picking up a drink" But if you can't say that in an open meeting, then you would be better served to speak one-on-one with someone after the meeting
They're more likely to understand what you're saying, and more likely to talk back to you There's nothing more crushing than sitting in an open discussion, in pain, screwing up all your courage to raise your hand, to wait what seems hours to be called on, only to have NO ONE respond to you or anything you said in any way
Don't let this surprise you or let you blame other people It's going through precisely THIS pain (because i know you're not listening to me now, and i wouldn't respect you if you did) that teaches you the benefit of getting yourself a sponsor
[17:32:08] <@myopia> but when we founded NA in rhode island, no one had yet had 3 months sobriety

Jesus

There was a guy standing waiting for a trolley who looked just like Jesus.

I want to fuck Jesus.
I have wanted to fuck Jesus since when I was 15.
Maybe since my First Holy Communion at 7.

Why the fuck am I so old?
How did this happen? I have no memory of anything since I was 25. I have no sensation of the passage of time.
So Why?

"Mystery" Landmasses

In the City of Quincy, there are areas, landmasses which appear where there hadn't even been a "void" before. Landlocked landmasses that spring up as if dropped from the sky, like puzzle pieces that don't quite fit.

Batterymarch Park is a case in point. Batterymarch Park was built quite close to where I went to junior high school. Batterymarch Park is quite big. BUT THERE HAD BEEN NO PLACE TO BUILD IT. The place it occupies now is a place that hadn't existed before it was built. It was a place that didn't exist, and it was a place we hadn't known hadn't existed. Reality, itself, had to be altered for the building of Batterymarch Park. One wouldn't have before thought that the fabric of reality would be entirely re-worked in one corner of Quincy to such an end.

Walmart is built on the fucking lip of a quarry. When I lived in Quincy, what was there was a very tall, sheer rock face. What was on the other side of that sheer rock face might have been Mars. But, was more likely to be another familiar Quincy neighborhood that one had never imagined was as close as it was to where you are now. Perhaps, at the edge of the Walmart parking lot is that familiar Quincy neighborhood. But, I also think it may be possible that Walmart is actually built "perpendicular" to the planet; and that it's some kind of "trompe l'oeil" that one experiences driving up the steep entrance road to the parking lot. That one is only led to think that one shares the same gravity as the people down below -- one doesn't.

The office parks and warehouse stores of North Stoughton, Avon, and Randolph is another case. Now, there certainly was room to build: it was fucking marsh, there was no way to check it out. But, there were streets which led thorough the area. Streets, which each had the quality of "length". I just don't remember Avon being so far away from North Stoughton, or that part of Randolph, either. How did they get so much to "fit" in between?, AND THEY'RE STILL BUILDING! It's like entering the Twilight Zone driving down those new streets -- When will this street end?, Where does it lead? I'd not be at all surprised if you eventually drive through a poppy field and end up at the Emerald City of Oz.

There's a landfill in Stoughton or Canton -- on the Stoughton/Canton line alongside Route 24. They actually import garbage from other towns. But, I know that street. Yes, it's true, that one rode down that street, which became a dirt road which went for miles through the fucking marsh without another sign of habitation until it spilled out at the front door of Blue Hills Tech. There should not have been a street which went from North Stoughton to Blue Hills Tech -- it should just not have been possible to get from the one place to the other. But there it was! Now I've only been on that street once or twice. BECAUSE IT RAN FOR FUCKING MILES THROUGH THE MARSH. Who would want to be on such a street? But I firmly believe that the "place" wherever the landfill is now didn't before exist. That it doesn't "fill in land", but that the landfill was dropped down there out of the sky.

These have been my observations.

The Differences Between The Catholic and The Episcopal Church

For the past 5 or 6 years, I've always said that the Catholic Mass and the Episcopal Mass were exactly the same word for word: That they differed at one point where we pause for breath and Catholics pause for breath two syllables later.

In the prayer that starts "Holy, Holy, Holy Lord, God of Power and Might ...", the way I learned to say it as a child in the Catholic Church was: "Holy Holy Holy, (pause) Lord God of Power and Might ..." which I take to mean HOLY HOLY HOLY -- a litany, "magic words"; LORD GOD -- we're talking to God, calling him "Lord God", a mark of our respect and obedience; OF POWER AND MIGHT is simply more of what we are calling Him, an additional title. Whereas, as I understand it in the Anglican Church, it is said more naturally -- HOLY, HOLY -- not a litany, but more similar to "Hosanna", which is often repeated; HOLY LORD -- we are talking to Him, calling Him "Holy", an indication of His Divinity and His Love for us, and when we say GOD OF POWER AND MIGHT, we are talking about God in the third person. I don't see that as actually a "difference", or a difference to be worth noting, just that it's a funny quirky thing.

I miss the ringing of the bells, and the altar boys. Although my church has had boy and girl acolytes in the opening procession, they don't sit at the altar during mass, and they don't "serve mass". I know that for many Catholics, the ringing of the bells announce certain "invisible" events that are taking place during the mass. I just miss the sound of the bells.

I have a "weak" belief in Transubstantiation, because I learned it at a very young age. To me, the Host WAS God. There was no doubt about it. I did not know why. I did not question. But I believed that God was in Heaven watching down at us, that God was all around us, all the time, and that God was most definitely in the chalice in that little house behind the altar. That is why one genuflects when entering or leaving a Catholic Church, one is submitting one's allegiance to Christ who is up at the front of the church -- using the same gesture as medieval knights used with their king.

To think that we take the bread and wine, and that at some point, Christ "infuses" Himself into the bread and wine so that it truly become The Flesh and Blood of Christ which only looks and tastes like bread and wine -- does my head in to actually have to do the math. So I do believe in Communion as "symbol", just that at the back of my head, I have a sneaky suspicion that it's not just that.

I think that the holy rites of Confession, Penance, and Absolution COULD BE a very powerful psycho-spiritual experience. And that adding the Act of Contrition to the mass just doesn't cut it. Everyone needs to sit in a darkened box, and talk to a disembodied voice -- offering up one's Soul, and receiving Absolution. Not that it ever has been that in the Catholic Church. Penance, being the command to say a certain number of certain prayers has NOTHING to do with Atonement, with Striving Towards Correction, or Forgiveness. But the practice could be ever so much more.

If I had a child, I would want him to go to confession, because I went to confession at the ages of 7, 8, 9 and it strikes me as heart-warming and cute. But the Catholic attitude towards Sin could be a very harmful thing to be exposed to.

I grew up with the Mysteries, the belief in Magic, and the superstitions of the Church -- and that without that, most of it doesn't hold together or make sense. I know that Anglicanism is more reasonable, human, and sensible.

I believed, or I did believe as a child -- that the priest was my direct conduit to God. That the words he said were OF God. I was not sophisticated enough to make a distinction between what he said -- at the pulpit, in the confessional, or at the Christmas Bazaar. It's been my belief that an Episcopal priest facilitates one's spiritual quest. That rather than as a "shepherd to his flock", he's on more of an equal footing with his parishoners. That respect for Human Autonomy is, to me, a cornerstone of Anglicanism, and is why I am an Episcopalian.